This past Sunday I was leaving my apartment to go watch a few of my friends play in their intramural volleyball game when I noticed a white piece of paper sitting on my windshield. At first I thought I had received my first parking ticket from transportation services. But then I remembered that I was parked at my apartment, which is way out of the jurisdiction of the University Parking Enforcement.
So I curiously walked to my windshield and found that the white paper turned out to be a business card. Except this was not a normal business card that had a plethora of information on it. Instead it only had two simple lines. Jerry *insert last name so Jerry can’t sue me* followed by his phone number.My mind raced as I tried to figure out what the heck this strange card meant, and why it was put on my windshield.
This was when I flipped the card over and saw a message written in handwriting that did not seem to be Jerry’s. The message read, “I think ur hot!! If interested… call!”
This note intrigued me, not because I was interested in this mystery person who may or may not be Jerry. But because I was curious if Jerry left the note, or someone else who just happened to use Jerry’s business card.
The next day I began to use all the investigation skills I acquired from watching MTV’s Catfish to try and figure who left this note on my car. The handwriting suggested that it was not Jerry but the lack of business information suggested that Jerry leaves notes on cars a lot, so much so, that he made his own card to stalk hot guys and leave a “nice” note on their car hoping they would call them later that night. Most of you can guess which one I was hoping for, (and for those of y’all who still don’t know, I’ll give you a little hint; I’m not to wild about having a stalker with the letter J in his name).
I figured the most direct way to figure out this mystery would be to call the number on the card and see who answers. So I dial the number and waited. Ring, Ring, Ring… I was greeted by a very flamboyant answering tone, “Heyyyyy this is Jerry! Sorry I *click* ” I try not to jump to conclusions and stereotype but after I heard the tone of the answering message, and confirmed that the number was in fact Jerry’s I had enough information to conclude; Jerry stalked me down and placed the note on my car. Great.
After I figured out that the note was from Jerry I then tried to figure out who this guy was. My friend looked his name up in the University Directory, while I searched his phone number on social media. Both of our efforts came up inconclusive. So short of getting a government search agency to find who the number was registered to. I had exhausted all my leads.
Later that day Jerry called me back and unfortunately or luckily, (not sure which one) I missed the call, but he did leave a nice voicemail saying, “Heyyy Thomas, this is Jerry I missed a call from you. If its important call me back!” This voicemail further supports my theory that Jerry is a real person that saw me, found me attractive, and hopes that I am “interested.” Even worse.
With this last piece of information, I closed the investigation and decided to avoid people named Jerry for a few days as I wait for him to move onto another man. So if your name is Jerry and you put a note on a white car this week, even though I did call you, please know that I am not interested.
So I challenge you to stalk someone you are attracted to and leave a note on their car because they may just call you. NO! If you are looking for a shallow superficial relationship based off of lust and looks just get a Tinder or Grinder like a normal person. Because stalky business cards do not work, and if you do put in the effort to make business cards to pick up women/men well good luck to you creep.
So my real challenge to you is to embrace weird situations because when the awkward passes and the situation is over, you are left with a good story to share with others. As always; make good choices, share if you liked what I said, comment if you have something to add, and I’ll see you on Thursday.