Christianity · Life Events · List Blog · Random Thoughts

How to Earn Salvation as an Aggie

***Please note this is completely satirical and not how Christianity works at all***

In lieu of Breakaway starting tonight I felt it was most appropriate to go over salvation and the salvation points you must earn annually to ensure that you go to heaven when you die.

Per outlined in the book of Ben, “Aggie Christians must earn at least 1000 salvation points to ensure that they have a ticket to heaven for the following year in case they find themselves passed away looking at the pearly gates.”

The following is a list of ways a Christian Aggie can earn their salvation:

  • Have a Bible verse written in your Twitter bio: 5 pts
  • Saying you will pray for someone: 5 pts
    • Actually praying for them: 10 pts
  • Wear an Impact shirt: 10 pts
  • Read your bible in a hipster coffee shop: 10 pts
  • Saving seats for your entire Impact camp at Breakaway: 10 pts
  • Post a snapchat story during worship: 10 pts
    • Add filter: +5 pts
    • Sing and Snap: +10 pts
  • Putting a photo of your bible on Instagram: 15 pts
    • Use a filter: + 5 pts
    • Get over 100 likes: + 10 pts

bible gram.jpg

  • Wear a pair of Chaco’s: 15 pts per foot
  • Raise your arms during worship: 40 pts per arm
  • Wear a pair of Jandals (Jesus Sandals): 100 pts per foot

jandals

  • Work at a Christian camp instead of interning over the summer: 250 pts
  • Have a Breakaway tag on backpack: 750 pts

breakaway

  • Use your Breakaway Luggage tag as a book mark in your bible: Instant salvation  ***Use caution because there have been three reports of bibles bursting into flames once the tag hits the bible. This is believed to be God trying to re-appear like he did in Exodus

So don’t forget to track your points this school year and remember salvation is not a marathon but a sprint because you could die tonight.

Please know that this is completely satirical and salvation is not about what you do but about what Jesus did. As always, make good choices, give that follow button a hit, comment with ways you earn your salvation points, share if you like what I said, and I will see you on Thursday.

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