So, Class of 2021, mommy and daddy helped you moved into your dorm room, assisted you in decorating it after spending 18 hours on Pinterest and 700 dollars at Target, or by simply hanging a flag.
They took you to get some food as you have already begun to learn to squeeze free food out of your parents as much as possible. And now you are about two days into being an adult and “living on your own,” all the excitement has worn off and you are a little bored and trying to figure out what to do. You probably are either in denial of your underlying fear or completely aware of it and trying to act like everything is fine. So you did what any millennial would do in your situation and sought the internet for advice on how to “College.” And advice you will get.
1 – Wear your high school letterman
You would not have made it to college without all your high school successes and experiences, so share them with your peers. Everyone loves to hear how you almost won a high school playoff game as the back-up kicker. Or how great of grades you got in high school, while being the president of every club your school has to offer. College is not full of people that were also successful high school and they most certainly will find your successes at your 1A high school impressive and something to look up to.
2 – The midnight deadline for online homework is flexible
Now you may be confused as to what I mean by online homework. Basically 20% of your final grade will be dependent on you completing homework on a website. However, you have to pay for access to that website, and no that cost is not covered by the twenty grand of tuition you took a loan out for last week. Now once you purchase access to your homework there will be due dates attached to each assignment, with a note saying that the assignment will lock at 11:59 pm that night.
Your professor uses the word lock to try and motivate you to do your homework early. However, in college lock is a synonym for recommended due date. As long as you get the assignment completed within a few days of the “due date” you should be fine.
3 – Have your parents email your professors
Yes, you called yourself an adult since the moment that you turned 18, and you are correct about that. You are 100% an adult. However, professors would love to spend their plentiful free time talking with your mommy about your problems. So, when the online homework system makes a mistake and locks you out of your homework on the due date instead of giving you the fair extra week to work on it. Don’t panic and try to take care of the problem yourself. No, get your mommy to email the professor and all your problems will go away.
4 – Don’t listen to your RA
Now I’ve never lived in a dorm, nor been an RA but that doesn’t mean I can’t be an expert on this topic. You are an adult now, you moved away from home and away from the control of your parents. So, don’t let the RA put you into a box and tell you what you can and cannot do. Make as much noise as you want whenever you want, use a hot plate to make grilled cheese every night, and get a dog or maybe 4. How much more does the RA know anyways they’re only like 2 years older than you.
5 – College is just like the movies
Drink underage, party every night, your beer pong score is more important than your GPA.This is your last chance to have fun before you get a real job and actually start making money. Because nothing says fun like stale beer and a hangover, plus you can’t make friends unless you are in frat or sorority and again just like in the movies, frats and sororities are all about sex, drugs, and not going to class. College will be the best years of your life. Why not turn a 4-year degree into a 6-year one? Also, while we are on the topic drinking; when you tailgate make sure to only drink beer even if you go to school in south Texas and are going to the 11am game during September when it will be 102 degrees at halftime. Beer will hydrate you, it’s basically water anyways.
Now that you know everything there is to know about college go out there and Carpe Diem.
***Disclaimer, normally this blog contains some crazy yet truthful situations like building a pool inside my rental home, however this is not one of those times. This post is what the English majors call satire. But don’t worry class of 2021 I will give you my real advice on Friday.