Life Events

Why I Should be Banned from the Bed Bath and Beyond

Hey so let’s just ignore that I haven’t uploaded in like forever but also randomly started a podcast. K, Thanks. Also in case you didn’t know I’m getting married (Surprising I know, I was too, apparently I can talk to the female species who would have thunk that), it’s important for this story.

Register A

So, a part of getting married is going to the store, getting a cool scanner gun I mean scanning device (sorry for using the g word), and then people buy whatever you scan. I don’t know who figured this out but they’re the real American Hero.

I say this because I now come home from work and bam there’s a toaster on my door step. Now albeit not all the packages are as cool. For example, I got a box of Tupperware which to me is kind of dumb because I have a 30 piece collection of custom Tupperware all of which say cool whip or country crock butter on them. But apparently my fiancé doesn’t think as highly of my hard-earned collection. I guess that is what people call sacrificial love. I sacrifice my awesome collection of cool whip Tupperware and Dickies BBQ drinking glasses for throw pillows and actual dishes made of glass.

register B

Which terrifies me because every store (all two of them) we registered at I ended up breaking something. First it was in the bathroom section of Bed Bath and Beyond. I had just finished walking away from my fiancé and our lovely store liaison who guided us through our scanning endeavors. They were looking at throw pillows and for obvious reasoning I was less than intrigued, frankly I could care less about what decorative pillows are going on my couch, I am just glad to inherit a couch (yes I am 22 and have never owned a coach, they’re too hard to build and I have built all my furniture thus far. My Walk of Shame)

Being the genius that I am, I decided to take the scanner they mistakenly left in my possession and mosey on over to the as seen on TV section of the store, aka my favorite section. Knowing that if I scan it someone will buy it. I look for the perfect thing that my soon to be wife and I will need for our new home. This hunt took some self-control because I honestly wanted all of it; I could get so buff from a shake weight while also sleeping well on some pillow made from bamboo beads. All the while avoiding the 3 low payments of 10.99. However, wanting to use my power of scan wisely I withheld from temptation until I found exactly what we needed in our life. A toilet mat ish…. I say ish because it’s not a decorative mat, it has a purpose and that purpose is to entertain you while you poop.

Register cc

I know, I am good at the whole picking out stuff for my married adult life. Anyways I quickly scan this gem and hurry back to the throw pillows before they notice that I was gone. Lucky for me they had moved onto the bath section and looking for fancy toothbrush holders. Now my mother has trained me well since I was a yee young lad, when everything on the shelf is glass your hands belong in your pockets. So, I did just that. However, my opinion was asked on which breakable item I thought would best hold my toothbrush. Pointing out that I probably would break anything not made from metal or plastic, and removing my hands from my pockets (big mistake) I grabbed a nice wooden toothbrush holding apparatus. However, I did not pick wisely and was informed to put it back on the shelf. In doing so I managed to knock off the exact thing I said I would break, watching it crash to the ground all 50 dollars of the fragile ceramic flying across the aisle.

Register D

Now my initial instinct was to run, well walk, walk out of the store and never come back I don’t need anything from Bed Bath and Beyond, I can order the poop fishing mat online. However, we had a store representative following us around giving us advice on throw pillows and toothbrush holders. So, running wasn’t an option, and I began to accept that I was going to pay too much money for an abstract ceramic sculpture.

Luckily our lovely store liaison just did the classic radio call “clean up on aisle 4,” saying that this happens quiet often.

register f

So naturally when we go to register at Target the following day, I was a champion at playing the hand’s in my pocket game on the glass aisle. Pointing safely with my nose to prevent any breakage. However, I still managed to break something but luckily not in the present of a store employee. You see what had happened was, we were looking at stirring spoons for cooking, torn between the grey spoon and grey spoon. This wedding registry stuff is tough. Anyways we were about to go with cheaper spoon when my fiancé noticed that it seemed easier to break. To which I took the spoon and tried to bend it, not break it just give it a slight bend to see if it is indeed fragile plastic. However, I made a bad engineering assumption on the ductility of the plastic, and before I could get even the slightest bend *snap* I was holding two halves of a spoon. I don’t know what I was expecting but certainly not that. Luckily, I had a solution, scan the more expensive spoons for obvious reasons, lay the broken spoon on the bottom shelf as if it were not just broken in half, and move onto the throw pillow section of the store. Because somehow from a strange turn of events this was my safe haven a place where I could no longer break anything.

The moral of this story is we should have registered at the Home Depot, this way if (probably should be when) I break stuff in our marriage I have everything I need to fix it. Also people like me should be on a “not allowed in the glass section” poster, this way its mutually agreed we are a danger to the store. This would definitely save Bed Bath and Beyond a few million each year.

As always make good choices, share if you like what I said, comment if you have something to add and I will see you next week (maybe).

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