March 9th 2019 the day I got married.
And like most married men I believed that this was the official end to the dating season of my life. And all those “skillz” I had acquired over the years of failure were vanity.
And having the blessing of finding my wife as my lab partner in college I never had to enter the daunting and confusing world of online dating. However, due to recent life circumstances I now find myself back in the dating field and doing so online.
Now if you haven’t already picked this up from the title of the blog, no I am not single (sorry ladies). Instead I am dating in a more professional setting, office dating that even HR would approve of.
I am trying to find a job which is basically the same process as dating. First thing is first I made an online profile where I try to portray myself in the best light, listing all my greatest skills and attributes on a website. Similar to Tinder but they call it LinkedIn because it sounds more professional. (That colored underline word is a link, you should click on it especially if you are hiring an engineer in the Metro Detroit Area.)
Now that I have this profile that signals to all the company recruiters that I am available, I use the website to look at openings that I am interested in. I know I may be a catch, but it doesn’t hurt to also do a little looking around. This is where I apply the Chad method.
No not shot gunning natty lights to pick up woman but rather casting a wide net to any job I am remotely qualified for and sorting them out later. To which I get a somewhat cliché reply of “thank you, we have received your application and will see if your qualifications match our needs.” Followed by a, “this is an automated message and replies will not be read.” Which I take as them playing hard to get, but that’s okay because I’ve always liked a challenge.
After a week or two of this I began to hear replies from the nice companies, giving me a sweet, “its not you its me” in the form of “your qualifications do not meet our needs at this time.” But then give me falls hope of staying as “friends” through there “keep a look out for more opportunities with us and make sure to apply.”
I call these companies nice because some of them do what far too millennials do and either one just ghost me entirely. Or they ghost me for all practical purposes using “the sorry I was taking a nap.”
Except instead of an excuse they simply wait a year after I applied before telling me they went with another candidate. Albeit clarity and closure is always better even if its 11 months too late.
Now a few companies found my skills and qualifications interesting enough to consider me, and changed my application status from applied to under review. Giving me a hope that they like me, think I’m interesting, and want to pay me money for the skills I have. But after a month or two of the perpetual limbo of “under review” I finally realize what everyone else knew all along. I am in the friendzone. Thinking I had a chance but in reality it was over before it started.
Very rarely which is fitting for my history in dating, I get the opportunity to go on a date with a company. Well not really a date as much as a pre-date with her father to vet me in the form of a phone interview with HR.
And if you’re lucky enough this leads to a real date or as normal people would call it an interview, in person, not the phone stuff. All in the hopes that you like them and they like you enough to offer some benefits with your new friendship.
I’m talking about 401k matching and health insurance to go with the new full-time job. Now unlike in my dating life I have yet to get past the first date and into a committed relationship with a company. Well maybe this is exactly like my dating life in college. Anyways here I am writing a blog about how hunting for a job is basically dating, hoping to defy science and make it out of the friendzone. Until then I’ll be a good 1950’s housewife, waiting for 5 pm so I can remove the curlers from my hair, and the casserole from the oven. Greeting my spouse after their long day at the office.
So if you are a lonely company out there in need of another engineer,
As always make good choices, share if you like what I said, comment if you have something to add, consider subscribing, and I’ll see you next week? I think I may do this regularly again.