Hey It’s me again, still unemployed. Which sucks and I quit. I quit not having a job. Hopefully the Michael Scott method works the same with employment as it does with bankruptcy.
Update: it doesn’t, and now everyone at the Starbucks is staring at me.
I have been trying to get a job post-graduation for almost two and a half years now. It’s one of the perks of dropping out midway through your senior year, you get two hiring cycles to refine your craft and get a post-grad job. Which I have accomplished, just not in the same town as my wife. I have had offers, and even been called up by companies asking me to apply to their jobs. None of which were in the same state that I currently live. Making this lack of employment more frustrating. If my wife and I picked another city by accepting different offers this transitional season of applying and hoping to hear back would be over. But we chose the tundra of Detroit. A decision we prayerfully considered and executed with a leap of faith.
One that has had some great aspects. We have found a great community of believers, identified needs, and are beginning to fill them to advance the kingdom of God. But amongst all that there is me sitting at home waiting for my next step. And waiting. And waiting.
Trying to suppress my inner voice of is this it? Have I peeked? Is the high school student that turned a 400-dollar hog into a 10,000-dollar payday. The one that was an Area FFA officer leading, developing, and influencing 15,000 students his senior year. The same one that went to college got kicked out, dropped out, yet still managed to graduate all the while working full time. Is he done for? Was all that work to lead me to mowing my lawn twice a week, building furniture in my garage, and writing computer programs to play tic-tac-toe and rock-paper-scissors with myself? While my wife is at work paying our rent, light, and food bills. I guess my lawn mowing and taking out of the trash is contribution enough.
I know thinking that I lack worth is a fallacy, that my worth is not wrapped up in my stature or my occupation but rather in my identity as a child of God. The God that loved me (and you) so dearly that he would come down to this broken world, live a perfect life, and die a death not deserved so that we may have eternal life.
Yes, I am worthy, I am loved, I am cared for by him. But it would be a disillusion for me to accept that this is all there is. That this is what I was designed to do. I know he wants more of me, and has more for me than sitting at home reading my bible and mowing my lawn for Christ. I thought that I was purposed to go work a nerdy engineering job, make engineering friends, and use my engineering money to advance his kingdom. But the last job lead I had left is interviewing today, and I am at a Starbucks in jeans and a t-shirt so I’ll let you speculate on if I am turtley enough for the turtle club.
So why am I telling you all this? In part because you always see stories of people that are lost without direction or face rejection. Followed by their happy ending that would not have been possible without a season of turmoil and uncertainty. But no one ever writes on the turmoil while they are in turmoil, when the happy ending is uncertain and possibly never going to reach fruition. A raw and real encounter of truth. Truth that being a Christian isn’t always dandelions and lollipops. That just because God loves you doesn’t mean you are going to have an easy life, a life without uncertainty and unrest. A reminder that “blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” (Matthew 5:3)
At times I let my pride and ego prevail, I allow myself to camp out in anger and bitterness that what I worked so hard for all seems to be vanity. I didn’t want to go to college in the first place and now that I fought the battle there is seemingly fruitless land for my labors. However, when I work through those emotions and allow God to be on top instead of my own desires, I am humbly reminded of his stewardship over me. How he is omnipotent and has plans for me, all I need to do is obediently follow his word. Maybe I need to be patient and let him work, or maybe my season as an engineer is over and he has other plans for me. I don’t have the answers, but I trust in an all knowing and all loving God. Which at times is my sole source of sanity.
For my non-believer audience (if you are still reading after all that church talk) I know that this was a lot more church talk than normal. I know you probably think I need to go to the looney farm if I am placing less trust in myself and more trust into a being that I cannot see, or hear, or smell. But I don’t know what I would do in this season without my faith. Sure, I may not even be in this predicament if I followed the what the world says instead of what God says but regardless there are going to be both highs and lows in our life whether or not you believe in a higher power. And its in those lows that I am reminded on how broken we are as humans. How blessed we are in poor spirits because it forces us to place full trust in the powerful and loving God we serve. And without God to rely on and trust in I don’t know how I would get through the lows.
As always make good choices, share if you liked what I said, comment if you have something to add. Consider subscribing and I will see you Friday (or maybe Tuesday).