Last night, well technically this morning but well before even the earliest of risers would fathom waking up, I was jolted awake by a loud crash. Unsure if I truly heard the noise or was simply waking up on my own accord I continued to lay in the warm embrace of the bed. Trying to recall what I may have heard and if I did in fact hear it, why would I hear such a loud disturbance at a time when most everyone should be asleep. This is when I hear my wife ask, “did you hear that?” Which was all the evidence I needed to convince myself that the noise was not part of my RIM cycle but rather a true reality within my home.

I got up and shuffled over to our bedroom window to peek out at our backyard where the detached garage sits. In hindsight this was my first move because logically someone would break into a detached garage before boldly breaking into a home where its occupants were asleep. However, if I am honest with myself the two earthly possessions I hold close to me are my books, which no one is going to steal two bookcases full of books for a 10-dollar payday at the Half Price Books. And the second thing is my collection of tools I have acquired since elementary school. A robber can have our throw pillows, PlayStation 2, and kitchen stuff just don’t touch my tools. On second thought my wife makes incredible cookies with our Kitchen Aid mixer, I definitely should have been more concerned about our kitchen items.

Anyway, I peek through the blinds and note that both our garage door and side door are firmly shut, leading me to believe that the crash came from within our home. I immediately fetch my Glock from the super-secret hiding spot within our room, unlock its case, and rack it once to ensure I had a round in the chamber. “Click-Clack.” An audible representation of the intense situation. I head to our bedroom door and notice three brightly glowing dots among a room absent of all other light. These were the glow in the dark sights I paid an extra twenty dollars for, something I debated about not buying but was so thankful to have in this tense moment. I made a mental note to thank past Thomas for not being cheap when purchasing his handgun, and proceeded to open our bedroom door.

Using the three glowing dots to develop a sight picture, I began to methodically clear our home just like the Army trained me to. Well kind of, I was doing it alone instead of in a four-man stack and I was wearing a pair of boxers with siracha bottles printed on them in leu of thirty-five pounds of body armor. But aside from these minor differences it was basically a textbook example of Battle Drill 6.

I exited my wife and I’s bedroom and begin to methodically creep down the long hallway at a brisk walk. Locking out my right elbow and driving my shoulder into my cheek. This ensured that when I turn into our living room my sight picture would turn with my body as one concise unit. Quickly clearing the living room and continuing my circle pattern to finish out in the kitchen. Moving through the large room as quickly but smoothly as possible. Once the large kitchen living room combo was cleared, I instantly pulled a button hook to clear the closed doors I barreled past on my way to the living room. Pausing at each door as if I was waiting for an imaginary stack to form. I would push open the door and surge into the room. Swiftly clearing each of my four corners before moving onto the next one. When I got to the last door I took an extra second. Knowing that if the crash was a person entering our home they would be behind this last door. I took a deep breath in and pushed into the small bathroom. To my relief the room was empty just like the rest.

I cleared the house again turning on every light making one hundred percent sure no one unwanted was in our home. With my search coming up empty, I went back to our bedroom to grab some slippers and headed out to the garage to ensure it was still locked up and secured. Which it was.

I cleared my weapon, turned the lights off in the house, double checked that the doors were locked, and climbed back into what was now a cold bed. I tried to fall back asleep but was unable. Not because I didn’t find the culprit of the noise, I was sure that the house was thoroughly search and secured. I laid awake for an hour and a half trying to come down from the adrenaline rush of my Army Ranger, Special Forces, Navy Seal room clearing exercise.

I finally fell back asleep and woke up peacefully the next morning. This is when I went into our bathroom to take a shower and finally discovered the culprit to my late-night room clearing operation. My bar of soap that I had hanging on a suction cup hook, fell off, and rattled my wife and I awake last night. A measly bar of soap caused me to lose two hours of sleep…

Now what did I learn from this? 1 – remember to clear the bathtub. 2 – I should get a shower gun like all good Texans to protect myself against the vengeful soap. 3 – I think I need to build an AR-15 for extra support in case the bar of soap attacks again with its buddy shampoo bottle.

Do I regret going straight operator over a bar of soap? Not really, I am mostly find it humorous that I lost two hours of sleep because the force from the soap’s mass multiplied by the acceleration of gravity became greater than the suction cups force that held it to the shower wall. And wanted to share this vain thriller with y’all cause why not. Plus you may find it humorous too. Also, this by no means is an argument for or against the second amendment, mostly because arguing that guns are necessary to protect yourself against the mean Irish Spring soap gang is one of the more baseless arguments I have heard.

As for what I am doing to my culprit. Well let’s just say he won’t be around in about three weeks, maybe two if I switch my showers from once a week to twice a week.

As always make good choices, share if you like what I said, comment if you have something to add, and watch your back you never know when the soap is going to be out to get you. Also sorry about the click bait title I couldn’t help but not do it.